Smelly River Scary Taxi

So, to avoid the jam, one would discover one of the local transport modes Thai uses. River Taxis. First of all, the little black water channels. One would think it is a giant drain. But hey, the water is all choppy, waves all churning thanks to the countless speeding long boast that goes about their daily formula one routine up and down the channel. Speed, no speed limit. Safety, no life jackets. What about paying attention to people boarding and alighting? No attention.

One lesson learned is that, don’t queue in lines. Just horde over to the boat when it arrives, everybody at one go, parallel to the arriving vessel. Then jump on, or alight as fast as you can, synchronize your timings with the boat movements as the side bangs onto the platform. No one to tell you, no one to guide you. You have to develop how-to-board-the-bloody-boat-instinct in a matter of seconds especially if this is your first time.

My lady friend queued up behind us. We jumped, she did so after. The boat separated, and she missed. Her little frame landed onto the rough wooden portside knees first. The attendant was next to her stunt fortunately and grabbed before she fell into the abysses. Worst will be if she did and the portside came slamming back to the platform, she caught between. Well, that’s life I was told. Near mishaps like these occurs almost every other day. Safety has never been a point as the captain races against time to net in as much money as he can. The race.

Thus the harrowing ride one would experience as the boats speed past each other doing last minute maneuvers like an acrobatic plane. And then there was a loud bang behind me. I turned to watch the tail leaving the concrete channel side, the metal structure had bent but so what, the captain continued his formula one routine. The looks on everyone’s face? Nothing except me, balls rolling down my pants.

But all in all it was good fun. You just gotta try it, it is a time saver.

This Car got Balls, Yellow Ones

Somewhere in my previous post, I did mention about Thai people hanging some dollies behind their cars and its significance (Dolly behind Car). Now here’s a new twist. Balls (lam par zhi) behind cars. Let me guess, he ran over someone’s testicles on the road. Both testicles went to heaven. Now he hangs the balls there, so that the spirit of the victim’s balls has a place to stay in instead of lingering around in his cabin.

Shame is not a word in Thai

I got a missed call way past midnight, I was too lazy to answer. In the morning at 6 while I was in deep state of salivating sleep, my pillow the kotex soaking up my drool, he called and I answered. The other end of the line, a man I knew not much about but just through some business acquaintances he knew me.

“Can I borrow money… I have no money.”
“No” I answered solid.

It’s very strange this Kingdom. I am still trying to find the word for shame translated to Thai. Maybe there is just none. But one thing is for sure, shame is not something in most Thais that you will meet. Maybe it is their upbringing, maybe it’s just the culture. They just reach out their hands and ask you for money. They will tell you a story for which you must not hear, for as us expats we will be easily taken in…. at first at least. And then we learn. For in our countries all are capable, and with hands we know we work them they generate money. We survive we find our own money. But not here.

It’s not just the karaoke girls I am taking about, it could be men and anyone sexually undefined. There was once a high ranking army officer, he drives a big new Merce. Never did I think he would call to borrow 10k, for which till now he did not return. And best of all, he don’t answer calls. Everything you must learn here had to be experienced once. But try you must to minimize that experience fee (they ask for 40k, you say you only have 5k to spare). Its not just people, it’s the Thai companies as well. Not just in employment terms, but in B2B transactions these shameful acts exist. Apply this knowledge of Thais in your business endeavors, safe you will be.

Some us foreigners soaking here long, soak up these undesirable traits some did. Forget that their hands could work, and instead device confident-acts in their minds they did. And so they call to ask for money with a story indirect to “borrow” they did. It was through the 10k fee, I learned not to invest the 100k scheme. Sounds like Ponzi his tactics, it’s sad now even our own we cannot trust in this country.

Singapore is a beautiful land and full of morally truthful denizens. And when one does move over to a contrasting land, targets of gullibility the others will see. Be on guard trust no one, and enjoy the best of the land. That’s how once could survive these harsh but yet deceptively beautiful surroundings.

Red Light Cameras

And so we still think that Bangkok is a place where we can make illegal u-turns anywhere we want, drive against traffic on occasions and speed through red lights scaring the balls out of pedestrians. No more. I got a ticket sent by mail with glorious pictures of my daring feat speeding through the red lights. Yes, they have it now. Mails have been circulating warning us about these newly installed police gadgets. Where they are installed, I never know because the stupid emails were in Thai.

But one thing remains for sure from the ticket I received. Thais still work slow. The incident was captured in March. The ticket received only a week ago in July by post. That leaves me 4 months to forget who was driving the car or what I was doing. The police were probably spending quite an effort trying to figure out how to download the pictures from the camera. They are way much better in downloading porn in their offices and chatting up young girls on MSN and other trashy Thai web boards.

Red Light Cameras, they are here to stay.

Local or Overseas Contract

How to be those lucky folks that work here and get paid fat to live like an Emperor with his so many concubines? We know MNCs are great paymasters but if you ever are lucky enough to land yourself a job in one, knowledgeable you must be that they have two types of contractual agreements. Local and Overseas. Local means you get treated like Thais, get paid lean like one but be assured your job last you a lifetime as long as you can bear or perform. Overseas means you get paid two to three times more, you get accommodation in posh districts and that chuffer in at least a reputable car to pick you up for the next two to three years ahead. But your contact will end on the date of expiry or prematurely and to live on in this land, you gotta change yourself to be under local (subjected to economic conditions), losing all the privileges that came along as an expat.

But again if you being one that had lived here long and try hard you did to stay and get into a MNC somehow you had, they treat you local so there is no need to pay through their nose to get you. Which ever way you end up, whatever reduced benefits you get, as long as you love living in this Kingdom, scarifies some you just have to make. I made.

Monks – Pirate Version

And so I was in the market again. The peddler asked if I had made offerings to any monks in the market. I said no. And he advised and pointed, that at the corner is real, those at other side are fakes, so are the ones that are coming there and there, but these right in front of us a bunch of them real…. and so and so and so.

Darn… not just fake Louis Vuitton they have here, but fake monks as well aplenty. How the heck are we suppose to tell which to be genuine and which not other then lifting up their robes to see if they wear underwear. Real monks don’t wear underwear (at least that was what I was told).

Thai Crushed Cats

I didn’t do it.
Disclaimer: No cats were hurt in anyway physically, mentally or sexually during the documentation of this blog. They were in a deep state of weird sleep.

Thai Girl Scouts so Cute

If these were the girl scouts I have seen during my schooldays as a young boy, I would have definitely developed an attraction towards boys and turn gay in midlife.

Packs of them in the Wet Market

In the wee hours of the morning they come by genetic instincts to the wet markets. Never alone but in pairs or in packs some will arrive. There will always be that alpha male of a different breed leading and seeking food for the pack. They wonder the narrow lanes of the market, or they stand guard on corners accepting whatever people will feed to them. These are territorial creatures and warrant a fierce brawl should one pack accidentally step onto the other’s ground. No, they are not dogs nor wolves. They are monks from the so many nearby temples.

The alpha male, usually not a monk, leads and collects the alms into bags when a person gives. He is more like the manager and seeks out territory and resolve disputes should one occur. The yellow robed monks, walks along quietly and performs rituals when people come forth and kneel. These are everyday scene one could experience when visiting the markets in the mornings – aka legalized begging. If this would to have happen in Singapore, the lockup cell in your neighborhood police post would be overflowing with yellow robed monks filled up like sardines, with the occasional one or two drunk drivers from earlier.







Ad so I snapped away on my phone curiously. That is until the alpha male gave me the stare. I walked away and stood having my Nestle coffee in my hand waiting for my friend to arrive. Alpha male came forth and “bark! grrrrrrrrrrr… woof woof… rrrrrr (growling… )”.

Translated:

Alpha Male: “Why take picture you many many? 7 am it is not. I have rights and permission to stand at corner!”
Blogger: (silence and blur)…..
Alpha Male: “I have card from police I show you now!”

He took out a card with the police logo hung around his neck hidden by his shirt.

Alpha Male: “Why take picture? Nothing wrong I do, I follow my permission given, this my card permit from police, see logo police.”
Blogger: “Big brother, I take picture many many because in Singapore land home of I, market no have monk. I see monk interesting, want to take picture show friend friend. Holiday I am in Bangkok, I not Thai person big brother.”

The after that it was all smiles and pat on my back and welcome to Bangkok very warm feelings. He even bid me goodbye when I was carrying bags of veggie along with my friend walking to the car.

I am Thai now.

Cheaper by the Dozen

Thailand, a land so much bigger then Singapore. Although Bangkok has the most number of Seven Elevens crammed into one single street, it will not be every time a convenient store such as that or that Minimart is around the corner, especially in the outer regions. So you need Durex and you cycle through the narrow dark street risking crazy dogs chasing you in an attempt to separate your balls, and on arrival, no stock. So what to do when a convenient store is just not a convenient amenity after all and how to prevent mass village unwanted teenage pregnancy? Spray Shelltox into her CB* after load deployment lah!. I mean look, if you ever spray insecticide on a tadpole, it dies. Sperm is same shape as tadpole but 1000 times smaller and opposite color. Just imagine shooting tadpoles out of your dick one by one, same shaped things come out expect may be uncomfortable. Same shape them both, so insecticide should work as well **.


Makro, is the place I am talking about in this entry. It is a giant warehouse where goods are sold in bulk. Soy sauce, pepper, eggs and such, all bought by the dozens, packs of one kg and one fifty respectively. One liter Pepsi sold in bulk of twelve and I so happy they are really so much cheaper then in Seven Eleven. We buy, we store and we use them for long. So we could skip the Shelltox into CB* procedure, buy a cargo load of Durex like you never seen before in Singapore.

* CB = vagina in Hokkien.
** The author of this blog shall not be responsible for any disfigurement, pain, long terms effects on CBs and will not be held responsible in any legal or non legal manner should the reader attempt to try the birth control method mentioned herein.

Students in Uniforms

In the dim atmosphere of the Kareoke venue, the young student waitress in her so tight blouse served, her flaring back mini skirt exposing legs as drooling old men eyes gazed.

“New here?” I asked.
“Yes kha…”
“Study where?”
Blank stare back….. then “No we are not students. We just came from the south a day ago looking for jobs. We have no suitable work attire.. so we brought the cheap uniforms and wear them for work.”

And so now we know, not all students are students. Both 18, young and fresh. An apartment they will share for THB$3000 per month. 2 hours into the night I asked “Much tips you have collected I see, how much already?”

“Just THB$1500 kha”.

Run this through your mind. 1500 x 30 days per month = THB$45,000. Better then working in the office as an educated accountant starting at just THB$10,000. The easy money of the night life, the salary scale of the working world which was never adjusted over the years in a Kingdom. The simple thinking of the many young girls' minds. And so thus the many fun for the seasoned working men with loaded pockets, Bangkok the city of cute young Angels.

Got Hole?

My worker, a girl of 16 married at 15 she did. Why I asked. To tie her flirtatious boyfriend down she replied. Only one word in my mind – Naive. The majority of Thai men I know are sexual predators. You mix around with them, you pub with them, you talk to them you know. A pubbing event is not about catching up with friends and relaxing, but is all about looking for prey. See how desperate they get when near closing hours and laugh in your hearts witnessing what steps and what spoken strategy they use. But strangely, most desperate attempts results in a fruitful night at the short-time shack hotel for THB$400 for 2 hours. Theses hotels are everywhere, theses predators are everywhere and so are preys.

We met a neighboring country business girl during a business trip on the flight so full of businessmen. The next thing I knew my colleague screwed her. A boss went with a worker for an out-country trip, tired he was a traditional massage he needed. But the worker wanted otherwise and so worker was given some welfare to visit the “special” massage while boss went to another joint for the tradition massage. Traditional massages are performed by senior ladies of at least 40 and up. They don’t provide any “special” and even if they do, you did need a massive dosage of Viagra to achieve workable penile status, probably more effective if you are unconscious. We will not screw our grandmas let’s put it this way. The worker finished his business and came over to the traditional joint. He chatted with a massage aunty, then he screwed her for THB$500 while waiting for boss. Puke…..

I once rewarded my hard working staffs. Brought them to a “fish-tank” I did, in a far off dull provincial project I was. Okay, so it was really cheap the rates but I have my code of specifications. I could most certainly associate each of them service providers with at least one type of mammal, crustacean or even trucks in serious high speed crashes. My staffs screwed them anyway. There I sat and waited. I sipped beer and had problems swallowing both the drink and the thought of walking into a zoo and grabbing any otter, platypus, senior squirrels in range and performing procreating acts with them.

Thai men, they go for anything with a hole. Witness by yourselves in your prolong time in this Kingdom and you will realize most men are “open-spec”, meaning no specifications required. If you are foreign woman here you could get to see how they make their moves on you. You could be a rich lady on another status level. They could be the boy from lower management. It doesn’t matter their society limits they won’t be concerned. They just want your you know what they want.

So what happens to the DNA of some Singaporeans who were relocated here for a long career? Then back to Singapore these some were posted. Bring back the fun, bring back the days and only in memory should it be linger. Some had changed and became “open-spec” and to hunt in Lucky Plaza some had did. Filipinos, yes some do look like Thais, but for Buddha’s sake have some standards, don’t be a maid fu*ker.

Most Thai men, anything can screw they screw - unbelievable. And also the fire-and-forget principle applies, for which the case of the business girl I will mention. Before the achievement my colleague always cited about her. After the gain, no more references and his target (the hole) had been reset afresh. It’s like they are cavemen of sorts, to eat to sleep to hunt and to sex. How to stop such behavior you wonder? Well, have a domain of single gender and have all men no women. You can’t stop them, you can’t alter their primordial behavior. Some will turn gay and they will try to have children with each other.

A Future Business – Sell Boats

It only seems to get worst, the flood I encounter as the Bangkok years went by. Rain like never before, winds so strong they flip trees and roofs over. Flood the streets I live inundated. You want to visit a floating market you won’t need to travel far. The wooden booth, the aluminum push carts, the peddlers on the streets all soaked in water, floating market is everywhere. Rain, it had did heavy, the air in Bangkok so clear after. Fresh the air is, clear the sky I see the distance for miles. Boats a business one could do Bangkok, given another 10 years sea level rises as global warming prevails over.

Numbers

I been busy, that’s all I can say for not updating my blog. It’s been more then a month and I’ve ventured into unknown territory and learned much more about Thailand then I ever could. Those I shall write along the way but today, I bring to you numbers.

Ang mohs believe 13 is bad, 13 is good for Chinese. 13 for Thais don’t really mean anything, but surprisingly some blocks of condos just don’t have the floor 13. 9 is a good number for Thais as I did mention before, and 4 does not mean die (we Chinese don’t like 4). I have been seeing special license plates with all 4s. If one dreams of snakes, then one buys lottery number with 6s or 9s. And now about 25 and 30, not for Lottery or Toto numbers, but these two numbers are associated with something about age. 25 for Thai ladies just ripe, many get married by then, and 30 is just over the edge. Shelf live expires if unmarried, but hey that’s all universal and not just for Thai ladies. Its not about marriage here I wanna share, Thais believe these two ages are critical points in one’s life. If one gets over these two years alive, one would likely go on to live till a fruitful old age.

Thais believe many unlucky things could happen during the ages of 25 and 30. I know someone who is 30, many accidents she encountered this year and in one, the car was completely crushed. Fortunately, she’s still alive and kicking in my office now. So, she will most likely get married, have kids, and expire at 100 or whatever. My worker tells of his many misfortunes, his age at 25 the upper heavens tested him unforgiving. He was knocked off his motorcycle by a robber, and the heavy cars whizzed by him without crushing his head. Many more stories to hear if you just ask around, and you will find them most interesting all the stories they say they could been dead. Be caution all they say, don’t do the adventurous, don’t do the risky at those ages.

25 and 30 they will come, but for me it was way over and I seemed to have the best times of my pubbing days then. Maybe in those years the lightning had struck the tree I was near, but in those state of memory lapses how could I have remembered.

Black Songkran 2009

So it had come to a point where the newspapers called the day Black Songkran. The first day of the festival, was covered in violent clashes and some bloodshed. I spoke to some local folks. One that runs a laundry had gotten sick of the protester and only wanted it to end. She mentioned that the reds are ruining the business for Songkran and interrupting the everyday lives of Bangkokians. She was fuming mad when she spoke of the situation.

And so I spoke to another most interesting character. In Singapore, everyone works. Over here, there exist people who do not work for their entire lives. Alcohol is part of his body’s chemistry. And fuming mad he said, the reds had been treated unfairly, why the soldiers used forceful tactics on the reds when during the yellow protest there was not. Luckily laundry lady and drunk, who are relatives, did not get into forming their own member groups and trashing it out.

Too many stories to hear, too many frustration they want to vent. Frustration is not just about which side one should be on, but the frustration of living with constant poverties in their lives. Frustration over many more matters we could not comprehend, but we know violence is a way to release them.

If you had ever caused chaos, you know it felt great and could be addictive after the adrenaline rush. And this was what had taken place, with many more people joining the protest just for the adrenaline kicks I reckoned. Thais called them the Third Hand. They declared war with many local residence and areas of major businesses such as markets. They threw fire bombs into residential flats, they shoot people and people shoot back. They wore red.



The peak of the event was on first day of Songkran when the situation was really getting out of control. All petrol stations were closed near evening time for the fear they will get blown up. All the major malls closed at eight thirty, I was chased out. But strangely on the streets just a few blocks away from many ground zeros, music was on full blast and the transvestites were dancing in wet t-shirts on the streets. The other provinces were in full celebration, the temple I went for tamboon was packed. Thais just want to have their Songkran day.



Thais told me Thais had a brain like a gold fish – short term memory. Thais forget easily. And true enough on the second day of Songkran, the place looked like no violent protest had happened before. The TV showed the red protesters peacefully going on to buses headed back to north and north east. The protest had officially ended, the red had lost. Red, white, yellow, blue and military green discarded their colors, people playing the water had increased in numbers. We could really see the spirit of Songkran now.

This Songkran – State of Emergency

Living in Bangkok is great, is very very great. Singapore, we have State of Fear, where everyone is living in a constant reminder not to toy with the law. Bangkok we get to experience State of Emergency. The yellows were pretty good at closing down major ports of transportation, the reds are now pretty good at closing major arteries of traffic. Actually, reds could jolly well close the airport as well if they close all roads leading to it. What will happen next no one knows but all can speculate. As usual for one that works like a dog ignorant of the situation, I go about doing my everyday thing. So does many.

There was this red truck up front of me on Thursday. I took 2 hours to get to my destination, only to learn today that the road I took was closed by the reds some distance further down. At least now I know why. As the red inches on in traffic, every motorcycle taxi and cab they passed waved and signaled to cheer them on like some rock stars on their nation tour. The support is now fully for the red I see.

Then out of the blue there was the blue, clashed with the reds in Pattaya to get the Asean Summit going. Blue pink green, what color will come out next? Where’s the yellow now I wonder, like M&Ms Bangkok is now. What color shirt should we avoid? Maybe soon we did have to walk around top naked. I truly have no problem with that, to ogle at girls with no shirts I wish (yeah… me pervert).

Thai festivals are excuses for chaos, the people love that it seems. Already people are getting drunk as a prelude to tomorrow which is the first day of the water festival. I almost ran into one brainless bloke just now, with a face looking for trouble, he was trying to prove to the whole road he could ride his bike sitting cross legged and going against traffic. Small gangs of motorcycles can already be seen forming and crisscrossing the roads like flies. Songkran had always been filled with sporadic acts of gang fights, with the situation now I wonder how this year it will turn out to be. It could well be … water plus gang fights plus flying bottles and big red riot. I think the military can use riot control water measures to hammer the reds as a symbol of Songkran but I reckon it will not be appreciated as a festive gesture.

The roads are strangely quiet tonight as I ventured out for a business meeting. Traversing the maze of the Bangkok roads, I didn’t know which junctions were closed and which not. Maybe the quietness is simply how Songkran had always been, with so many gone back to hometowns leaving Bangkok in peace. Peace… ?

Anyways anyhows whatever, no worries we still can go about to do our everyday things. I know news readers overseas will think it’s like Bangkok very dangerous now and we could be run over by a tank or caught in the line of flying bullets or have a grenade land in our laps to blow our balls into outer space. But truly it is not as to many places these days I’ve been. Just be wise that’s all there is.

Tamboon Condo

And they came, not too early in the morning, a group of nine monks delivered in a van. We had tamboon in our condominium, organized by the office below. All residents were invited to attend, not all turned up. And we donated money in envelopes or bought food for the monk’s morning meal.


It seemed the first time our condominium had organized this, no one knew exactly what to do and some residents who had experience helped in. Not to worry as these monks although looked and dressed the same have an order in there. Somewhere in the nine, will be the F&B monk. He will tell you how to prepare the food and how it is to be offered. Event Organizer monk will appear among the nine to tell you what to do with the candles, holy water and such when all is lost and not know what proceeds in the middle of prayers. A Marketing monk will appear from thin air if you start to talk about future events. Welfare monk will tell you to turn the fan or air conditioning on when it gets hot. And how much money to offer, how it is to be presented? The Finance and Accounting monk will emerge and help you out. Band Leader monk (who sits first on the left) doubles as the Water Party monk to sprinkle all us with holy juice. The rest will be prayer monks. Lots of us were greenhorns in the blessing session. I had been to many but still hardly know how it works. But in all I had attended and when we were lost, the roles of certain monks will be revealed and came forth to aid.


If you are into community living in Thailand, Thais believe you should attend these in your residence if any or get one organized if none. It is good luck. It prevents bad things like… getting stuck in the lift for no apparent technical reasons for fourteen hours, toilet turning into a powerful geyser with your lovely neighbors’ contents when sitting on it, your car being attacked by cat scratches from about sixteen neighboring cats in the parking lot, pigeon running into your eye beak first when you open your car door, running into a hot iron on the ironing board in the morning naked and groin first… whatever.

So there I sat through the session, immersed in the monotonous gothic like chorus of chants. The drone of hymn reverberated through every cell of my body and every particle of the walls. It was good to be there.

Jobs in Thailand

It is an indication that the job market is bad when one advertisement in JobsDB lands you overwhelming heaps of resumes. It is an indication that business is bad when friends in MNCs tell you they have a retrenchment exercise and a head count freeze. It is also an indication when the farang you know got retrenched and get stressed about how to go on in this Kingdom. The market is bad, everyone is cutting back. However, the only companies that are charging forth through are the energy and oil businesses. Five and a half month bonus, some of my friends got. Back to the topic of bad economy, a lady friend had a Korean boyfriend turned ex. He got retrenched and just disappears, with the one million Baht car signed under an installment plan in her name. She will go to court soon. Who said girls in Thailand with an expat relation are lucky? Wrong assumption, some expats can be bastards.

And still, Thailand remains an attractive environment to work in for her various charms. And still, would be expats are sending out hundreds of resume only to be left hanging in the dark without a reply. As I have been here a couple of years now, I have learned the best way to land a job would be through re-assignment/location from your home country’s company into this City of Angels. That’s when the lucky expats get big fat pay living like high-so kids from well off families. Ever wondered why our resumes never get read, ever wondered why we are always left hanging? Why does a great big European, American, Australian or what not MNC not hire your white, yellow or whatever skin of an expat?

The HR in such companies are Thai and Thai will know Thai pay. Maybe to impress their relocated expat boss they want by telling the big savings getting an equally qualified but bad English speaking Thai. Maybe it involves jealousy when looking at what expats expected to be paid and most likely will by their expat boss. And most likely, the entire HR team is so short sighted they don’t see the investment value in us. They think in a small box, narrow minded and uncreative. They are why we don’t get hired. Wrong, all wrong these stupid ways, for I had witnessed a daring Thai company invest in an expat and the sudden influx of foreign related business the company beneficially enjoyed. An expat also brings professionalism to one’s company and could also influence and change the “sabai-sabai” working attitude of Thais for the better. Expats are efficient, creative and energetic engines (just don’t hire a drunk). Expats can bring a whole new world and clouds of original ideas into an operation. HR, please think out of the box for the benefit of your companies, tune to an investment mind for Buddha’s sake. Expats wannabe, I understand you.

Luk Kruengs Lucky?

It’s a question difficult to answer, it always depends on the equation. A story of that I will tell, of that which happened in the condo I live. Bart (lets call him Bart for he was more of a brat as the residence knew him) is a “luk-krueng” (mixed blood), father a Japanese mother is a Thai. It is in the Thai’s eye that “luk-kruengs” are the luckiest people alive, with one money loaded parent of overseas origin, they are presumed to mature into someone smart, rich or a beautiful/handsome movie star. Well not all share the same fate as this tale I will tell.

Bart hung with the security guards 24 by 7. He hardly went home. He slept in the gym, in the ping pong room and ate with the security guards or staffs of the office. At an early teenage transition he was, rude and harassment associated remarks he would pass on the girls in our condo. Lately, he had disappeared. No longer do we see the dark bespectacled boy lingering all day around our condo. As inquisitive as I have always been, I asked the Thais.

Bart was a problem child, his mother had huge issues with him. Unable to control him, she let him be and so he decided to choose his own way, drop out of school and move out of the apartment. Where his father was no one knew. And so without his parents support and with no money for meals, residents started to help him out. Some would ask of him to go buy food and deliver to their rooms, giving him a large tip in return for his daily necessities. Why this treatment his mother did, no one knew either and could only speculate.

A life desperate, a life would lapse into the unethical route, as always the easiest avenue in Thailand. Near his last few days around, he kept the money advanced by the residents and disappeared for periods using the doe for his own affairs. The residents started to complain and it was decided to bar him from the condo altogether. His mother was notified and in fear that Bart would return, she simply sold the apartment and moved out as fast as she could. That’s it, simple, just run, run away from it all. Thailand is so big and one could hide so well. Bart never returned to the condo, or maybe he did but to find his only parent had gone. There, he faded into just another statistical part of the population.

The stereotyping that all “luk-kreungs” are lucky, get good education and grow up to be someone great and live a comfortable life is not so correct an assumption anymore. I had even seen “luk-kruengs” boys or girls selling garlands at traffic junctions. It all depends on the equation.

What Car Insurance Policy for Thailand?

Another day on the road, another witness to stupidity. Can’t blame them for crashing into each other. What can you expect out of drivers in a country where you don’t have to take proper driving lessons prior in to taking a test at the driving center?

Regarding insurance, I don’t know what they call it exactly, could be level one insurance or something, but I do know, its gonna be the most expensive of all insurance policies and you better have one if you drive in Thailand. This country is unlike some countries where it is mandatory for all car owners to have at least a third party insurance, or level three as they call it here. Having a car, we adopt the same mentality and think all we need is third party.

Logic behind is that, well, firstly in cases where we were to run into someone, our policy will cover our fault. This covers us running into really expensive cars and having no money to pay. We can ignore the damage on our own vehicle and the repairs could wait.
Secondly, if someone were to run into us, their (at least) third party policy will cover our repairs. So we think third party insurance will be enough for us as long as we are careful, it is a just-in-case-policy with a calculated risk involved. DEAD WRONG THINKING!!!

My workers were in a petrol kiosk, stopped and getting their car filled. Then a car came from behind and whamp – crash. Rear bumper of our Corolla suffered quite a bit of damage, tail lights were broken and the rear had definitely changed shape (anything Japanese and is a car can otherwise be know as tin can). The person at fault was of course the driver who decided to ram his car front into the Corolla’s butt. He was a high ranking naval officer. He had no money. He had no insurance, not even third party. He had only one thousand on him, and that’s what he gave our workers. More negotiations only lead to more frustrations, his answer “no money”. Even if we do engage the police or bring him to court, we will never be able to squeeze one more Baht from him. Thailand, no money people many many, force them to pay they just say no money. One thousand Baht only, enough for the petrol back to Bangkok. This was a soldier of the country, at least he had a thousand on him. Imagine if a motorcycle taxi run into you, they could only give you some hundreds or so. But most of the time as I had even personally encountered, they just sped away, curses to their mother’s genitals!!!! (this genital thing is a Hokkien tradition).

The third party policy we have does not cover our office car in this situation. Be warned, be advice. By all means if you own a car here, get the level one insurance. Yes it will be typically five to eight times more expensive then the third party ones, costing like fifteen to twenty thousand Baht, but at least it covers everything. It covers scratches, hit and run without witness, dents, you running into trees, tress falling on you, bird strikes, cars running into you but no money to pay, fire, thief, cats and dogs falling onto your car from a high rise, bicyclist trapped under your car and you dragged him for 50 meters, drunk old man on speeding wheel chair cashing into your sides, whatever and what not. Only catch to it is that, in order to get level one insurance, you need to have a car less then ten years of age.

Sudden Death

Was watching National Geographic the other day, a program called Sudden Death. In this program, Thailand’s North East was much talked about. Some decades ago in Singapore, fit and healthy Thai construction workers started dying for no apparent reasons in their sleep. The hospitals in Singapore traced and found that these sudden death victims came from E-San (North East) Thailand. In E-San itself, the folks there encounter many of these unexplained cases, people dying for no apparent reasons in their sleep. In Thailand anything un-explainable to that which can be proven scientifically means paranormal. Easy way to understand the world.

Sudden Death is a genetically passed down defect mainly in men, the heart goes into an erratic quivering rhythm so that no bloods gets pump around. Then, everything dies. The only way to save the victim is to jump start the heart by using a heart defibrillator. Sudden Death in the farmer’s terms means a visit from a female ghost in their sleep. She takes the men’s soul away. The only way to prevent one from becoming a victim, dress as woman in their sleep.

National Geographic highlighted medical intervention can help. The person needs to be tested first for heart murmurs or something. If this symptom is present, it means the entire family tree could be affected and surgery for an implant should be carried out to prevent Sudden Death for those tested positive. Cost… USD $20,000 (THB $700,000).

How in the world is a farmer earning an average THB $6,000 per month suppose to afford that? They don’t. They just die when the time comes. Have a standby heart defibrillator? Cannot afford. Maybe they can jump start their heart with a car battery when it happens. Improvise whatever. It is so different the life of many here compared to Singapore. We live sheltered in a small place, every imaginable amenity is near. We have a medical problem, our insurance would have covered it. Singapore is a place where every man and woman is a piece of walking insurance policy. In other words, we have money and money diverts death (other then being run over by SBS bus). Thailand, everything left to fate, born rich and one is lucky, born poor and life is cheap. Knowing the impending death, they would accept. Knowing an impeding death a Singaporean however, we have the luxury to engage all kinds of money incurring solutions to divert. We have a choice, they don’t. A big world of difference, a life we can never imagine how to live.

Hunting for Ghost

If you live here long enough, you will start to encounter at first eerie anomalies to that which is an accepted part of Thai culture. Sometimes after periods of months, calling up your business contacts or dropping by his office to look him for a chat, you will be surprise the receptionist informs you that they have no Mr Somchai (example name) in their company, and never had before. Calling Somchai’s mobile and be greeted “the number you are dialing does not exists” or something. Mr Somchai never existed, especially with the pretty receptionist you have never met before insisting you have the wrong office with her large confused boobs eyes. You met a ghost. Does one really exists by the name of Somchai, did one encounter an angle that have given a large order once, an aid from the other world to help one’s business and then returned to the other side? It does happens, Somchais from the parallel universe.

Maybe they believe so much the fortune teller, maybe they just feel like it. If you live here long enough, you will know more then a handful of people that changed their names. Thais, I asked them why, I always do ask them why. “Err… just want to change name…”, “Err… someone else in my office higher position have same name…”, “Err.. doctor fortune teller say this name better…”. Just some but not all of the reasons. Thais can even change their sir names. It is not necessary for the wife to follow the sir name of the husband’s, it is possible for the husband to change his to follow the wife’s. Done for reasons such as wife is from a family with some distance royal ancestry, with permission from the wife’s family the husband must seek. One can change the name given by one’s parents, it doesn’t matter one’s roots in the meaning of names. Mobile numbers I see as one’s important identity in life, not to be changed as friends from a decade ago could still call and locate me up. Never the Thais see this as an essential, change them numbers one after the other they did. MSN for life I believe, but with the advent of password remembering messengers, many will loose their accounts when moving from one computer to the other. That just simply because one never bothers to remember the passwords.

Somchais becomes Samchais, Tivakorns changed to Tinakorns. Even Davids can become Jennys after an operation in the gender hospital, and mobile numbers recycling a popular statistics. Thais vanishing from the face of planet Earth just another thing of this amazing Kingdom. Eventually you will find them lost souls. Eventually they will tell you the reasons.

Thai Girls So Friendly

Late in the night, I had just reached home. Before me, an attractive young Thai lady was going into the lift. Just me and her, two of us, going to the same floor of the condominium. She’s my neighbor. I can’t help but stared below her waist level and quickly returned my eyes to venture elsewhere. Then, she smiled back and we chatted. She then voluntarily unzipped, I stared at her pussy full view. I reached in and pat her pussy. She was so happy and chatted as my hands were all inside and played her pussy.

Her Persian cat is now 1 year old. (Just what are you thinking about?????!) It’s a big fat cute fur ball weighing in at 3 kgs. The eyes so gleaming with curiosity, the fur an art of brown streaks so smooth and long. Frequently she brings her pussy cat out in her kitty carrier which has a zipper door. Thai girls so friendly, she let me played her pussy in the lift.

The Brotherhood

So what is the latest unseen Thailand thingy going on here in Thailand, hidden fascination of Thailand’s everyday common livelihood unknown and undiscovered by the tourist? Two big schools are killing each other. Remember our schoolboys’ behavior so many of us went through some 20 years ago in Singapore, where when on the playground we encounter a bunch of student from neighboring schools? Full of testerone pumping in our blood streams, questions on each groups “SS” (secret society) status will be thrown and any slightest wrong answer will most likely result in bruised faces, torn shirts and flying punches. Kids (stupid kids)… that was what we were up to, we were there once. If one happened to stare at another for a period longer then some mysterious number of seconds (unintentionally as he was using both fingers to dig both his nostrils at the same time or something), the other would shout back to one a question surrounding the topic of testicles in Hokkien. Same thing may follow… punches driven by pumping testerone in a teenager’s blood. Walking tall in the parks, kids looking for trouble.

See, in Singapore, we had parangs, metal pipes and sticks to bash the stupidity out of each other. But here, students have a lot more fun. They have pastimes like ridding a bike and have the pillion shoot into a group from the other school. They have home made bombs stored in their school lockers in case of World War III and they love to stab each other just because of a different uniform. The whole school is a “SS”. Police had recently raided some schools here and found an assortment of ingenuous home made weapons of mass destruction. Raid was a follow up to the increasing number of never ending I-shoot-you you-shoot-me incidents. The locals had given advice to avoid some popular destinations in town this period just in case one happens to be standing in the path of a flying bottle, bullet or whatever high speed projectiles.

Such brotherhood grows beyond that of school days and is carried in the blood of the Thais way into their career lives. As adults, the testorone level would have dropped, so luckily, we don’t have incidents where the interviewer shoots the interviewee. One common question I always observe during interview sessions which I sat in was the question of schools. And if both are from the same, the interviewee will greet the interviewer as “brother” and it is most likely that he or she will get the job. Political situation in the working environment is also driven by the same reasoning and it will be obvious when one soaks long enough in big companies. Same goes for deal. Research the customer’s background and send someone in your team from the same school if possible. The “brother-brother” thing will show results as “brother” must help “brother”. Thailand is chaotic no doubt, but in chaos there is always an order if one seeks.

Popular Items

It is amazing what people shoplift at the supermarkets. These pictures of high tech anti-thief secured chocolates only exhibit the amount of widespread petty crimes Thais will commit. They gotta eat chocolates and if no money, must steal (one large M&Ms = about 3 meals on the streets). Must be cacao addiction.

CNY 2nd Day

What do Thais do on the second day of the Chinese Lunar New Year? Chinatown some say. For a good lunch and all the festivities. Lion dance procession in the middle of road without regards to traffic. See…. Thailand is a place where you can do anything you want, anywhere and anytime you want. It was like Chingay plus mob rolled into one.


And in the night, all relevance to the Chinese tradition would have been disconnected. Its Coyote time. In fact, its Coyote time all the time for some. Who says beware the recession coming? Look at them party and splurge on alcohol. Gong Xi Fatt Chai.

Do Thais Celebrate Chinese New Year?

On the eve of CNY, I received a bunch of promotional SMS from a bunch of night clubs. Yes Thais do celebrate. It is just another occasion to get drunk. Drown yourselves in alcohol and have your faces engulfed in the no bra cheongsam chests of this beautiful Kingdom. Yipeee…..




Well, that’s what most will be up to. But for a large handful of scattered Chinese who have not lost traditions, altars will be set up for prayers. The Chinese came some centuries ago to work the land into economic upturn. Most started off as coolies working hard in construction or as laborers in factories and such. Without the Chinese women imported from their land, they paired up with the natives and cross marriages transpire from then till present. The Chinese then promoted their own social statuses by working hard and exercising their business mind. Soon, they were big owners of successful corporations and businesses such as large scale rice mills which are still now family oriented and handed down from one generation to the other.




The Chinese traditions had been handed down as well but many of the current generation had conveniently forgotten the practices. Ask some Chinese Thai and then you will see they no longer know what steps to be taken, how many joss sticks to burn, how many times to pray and which direction for prayer (actually, I have forgotten too). Sounds like a dying culture ain’t it? But as one walks the streets of Bangkok, the hidden scatters of Chinese practices will be revealed one street after another. Give another fifty years or so when all the Teochew speaking old folks are gone, will the loud continuous bangs of fire crackers still be around to mark the turn of the Chinese Lunar Calendar? Maybe yes, maybe no, yes and maybe but could be no. It is the auspicious first day of the New Year today, it is just another day. We are working in the office now.

Happy Plan?

I had this shoved to me in SCB bank one day. For one that don’ read Thai, I really don’t see how can one be happy when one knocks people down, or one gets knocked down riding a bike and have the life crushed out of one’s body. If Thais wanna sell insurance to foreigners, I suggest they change their tactics. Have English for Buddha’s sake.

Thailand wants to correct Wikipedia – What a Joke

Recently spotted on The Nation. I think the writer meant this as a joke or either as a sarcastic report for the tourism authority and TOT. What’s there to correct? It’s all the truth there, especially the nightlife featuring beautiful and available women part.

End of Season Marker

The end of cold season has always been marked by a rather strange phenomenon here in Bangkok. How do I know the winter is over? Every year, the last burst of cold will be felt in January which will be followed by a few days of fogy mornings. After this climatic event, it will be warm to extremely hot season for the next few months. Fog, mist from water vapor or smog from car exhaust? Sometimes I can never tell.

Last Cold Spell?

It is January, meaning the winter months should be over. The searing heat of April will approach to welcome the next big long Songkran holiday that every Thai is looking forward to (Thais love long long holidays, me too). The past weekend had Bangkok experience night temperatures of 16 degrees. Me in Khao Kho, without any wooly clothes and totally unprepared in only polo shirts and shorts, was a frozen block at 8 degrees.




Just look the thermometer I snapped in the morning. 10 to 11 depress. As I walked around, the wind chill was even worst. Newspaper reported some areas in the north had frozen dew in the morning, and temperature is expected to drop to 0 on some nights there. Amazing.

Thais tell me, it is like that before winter is over. This could be the last cold spell, last burst of chillness before the cycle repeats. The heat will arrive then rain on in May and cold again as November draws closer. The land of three seasons.

Guide - How many Thai Girlfriends can you have?

A Thai man told me, 3 is the magic number. Normally, 1 is enough for men. But for Thai men, 1 is a number too small, so must have more. If have 2, you will get headaches because eventually both will discover each other through some careless acts for sure and they will cat fight everyday. You get 2 headaches with 2 Thai girlfriends.

So add 1 more to make 3 they said. With 3, 2 original ones will gang up and fight number 3 (this actually really happened). So in your pie of Thai girlfriends, 2 will be happy and 1 will not be. 2 happiness overrides 1 headache. With 4, they will pair up into groups of 2. 2 will fight 2, which mean you have 2 groups of happiness canceled out by 2 headaches. 0 happy.

What about 5? If four gang up to override one headache, it is fine, but this will be unlikely to happen. You may get 2 in a group and 3 in the other, so again 2 happiness group and 2 headaches equals 0 happy. Or they will split into 5 individuals which equals 5 headaches, or 3 groups of 2, 2 and 1 equal 3 headaches which happiness of 2 by the 2 groups cannot override. Try 7 or 10 and working the formula itself will give you a migraine.

Thai men (gig scientist) had methodically researched the myriad of possibilities factoring in complex scientific quantum mechanical formulas combined with Newton's Third Law to come out with the magical number 3. Trust them.

Fiery Start to Two O O Nine

Two Singaporeans died so far. And I was not even aware of the story until Ant called from Singapore on New Year’s Day. The thing about Thailand is that, 99% of pubs are death traps. Does a pub need to be inspected and scrutinized by safety authorities like in Singapore before opening? Yes and no and no one really knows. Do we have great big fire exits like in Zouk? So far, I don’t see any. Then fire how? Down the Chivas all in one and get drunk before you feel the agony of suffocation and fire which kills you.

Any shows in Singapore especially involving pyrotechnics will have to be strictly studied before endorsement. But here, we can do crazy things like setting of fireworks indoors and go – the Roof, the Roof, the Roof is on fire, we don’t need no water let the moxxxxfxxker burn! Burn moxxxxfxxker, BURN!!! Well it really happened. Like the many engineering work and planning I encountered, this again exhibits the short sightness so deeply inbreed into the Thai culture.

No worries and lets get by so far as nothing happens. And if something happens, worry for five minutes then no need to worry anymore because it already happened, so no point crying over spilled milk. Such is the attitude we must accept. Just look at your Bangkok office, I bet you only have one stairwell, one exit and no emergency escape route. Fire how? We BBQ. Look at the street vendors that lined the streets out your office. A hundred people can die from contaminated food and the hospitals will trace the case to the vendor. But by then with no registration or license to sell food of any sort to locate the owner how? Nothing. There ain’t any effective measures against anything here in Thailand. We live at our own risk us foreigners. Sue someone? I doubt it works. You sue, they say no money and give you their daughters instead.

Contingency planning is not a priority in most aspect of everything Thai here. Maintenance is considered a luxury that not many Thai businesses bother. Professional skill set and conduct are considered unnecessary by the majority workinghood of the Kingdom. Such a mess thus many ask what I am doing here. In chaos, the opportunist will find the order.